Body shape analysis: kitten edition

Body shape analysis: kitten edition

A week ago, I wrote about how actually there's a limited number of looks in fashion, and shared my favourite five with you.  You guys loved it, and the feedback on Facebook was that you would appreciate a body shapes analysis tutorial whatsit. 

Thing is, I am not even sure what body shape I have, and so I don't have reference to body shape stuff when I dress up/buy clothes/live my life out loud.  Y'all know my philosophy is: if you like it, wear it, #norules.  Body shape stuff generally falls into my Bullshit Category because at its essence, it's all about everyone looking as much like an hourglass shape as possible.  Hourglass is a perfectly good shape, but the whole thing relies on a pretty narrow view of what is considered aesthetically pleasing, and that kinda pisses me off.  

Having hit a solid rant for a paragraph, I do appreciate that my fashion philosophy might be a little too radical, and thus I'm going to give you the goods in the least offensive way possible - via kittens. 

There's also definitely more than four body types but, I figured, let's start with baby (cat) steps. 

Remember, the appropriate attitude to fashion is:

But at least this way, next time you're shopping you can think about kittens instead of fruit and veges.  

 

ALL TAIL: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH TAIL

 This cat is more beautiful than any human I have ever met.  Why. 

This cat is more beautiful than any human I have ever met.  Why. 

Girrrrl, DAMN.  Look at those proportions.  You are keeping it smaller on top and then BAM! It all happens in the mid to butt section. 

If you want to balance that magnificent tail, then it's all about:

  • detail/frills on the top half, to draw the eye up and create a similar amount of volume
  • similarly, get those shoulders out, in one of the currently trendy off the shoulder tops.  These are hella sexy, and show off your decolletage
  • nipped in waistlines and full skirts - this creates the illusion that instead of being blessed with bottom volume, you are just wearing major skirt
  • flare jeans (YAS) are your denim dudette - this is the reverse of the philosophy of the detailed top, because they provide bottom balance.  Also: wear platforms for added leg length and to allow you to channel some hippy vibes

TICKLEY TUM: LIVIN' YOUR BEST KITTEN LIFE

Your tummy might be a bit roundy, but nobody is mad about that.  Look how cute you are!  Plus, you have great legs (and Mr Fluffy up there is showing you how to work it). 

Your goal is to create an illusion of a narrower waist (do you see why the Bullshit Category applies here? I feel uncomfortable even typing this shit, jaysus), so you want to:

  • Try things that skim your midsection.  This seems like smart advice for everyone, actually, because now you can eat All The Pasta and then unbutton your jeans without it being obvious 
  • Go for a low-waisted pant, so it doesn't smoosh your tummy.  Cropped, straight-leg pants will draw attention to your slender legs.  Personal tip here: wear bad-ass shoes.  Not for body shape reasons - just because. 
  • Steal your All Tail buddy's fab skirt. You benefit from high-waisted style as much as low-waisted, and a fuller skirt will flare over your tum.  

To be honest, your outfits just sound effin' comfy.  Great job, Tickley Tums. 

CURVES AHEAD: GIRL, LOOK AT THAT BODY

At first, I thought it would be hard to find a kitten to represent the full bust, full hipped, narrow waisted category, but then I realised all kittens are an hourglass shape.  If you consider their necks.  Look, I TRIED

If you have curves action, first of all please know I am jealous of your boobs.  I'm sure you have Boob Problems, but I'm over here wearing bralettes for fun, not necessity.  All my tops are a little too big.  You  want to go for:

  • Anything that cinches at the waist.  Buy a TON of belts and cinch everything
  • Similarly, wrap dresses do something cool with a curvy kitten.  I always feel Ultra Sex-zy in a wrap dress, and I'm not curvy, so I can only imagine the raw sexual energy you will exude *fans self* 
  • Crop tops and pencil skirts: alone or together.  The idea is to wear closely-fitted things on your curvy sections, and to leave the waist as narrow as possible
  • Belted, wide legged pants will emphasise that waist and create a flowing line.  Plus: swishy! 

STRAIGHT UP: BUILT FOR SPEED

The internet says you are a banana.  I say no.  You are a sleek panther.  Or this guy, planking.  Either way, you are consistent.  Consistently a babe!  And your waist is more psychological than physical.  

You wanna hit up the following options:

  • Ruffly tops!  Because they're fun, and kittens love things to bat with their tiny kitten hands.  They'll also build up bulk on your top half and give you a waist by comparison
  • Dresses with side cut outs (ahahahaha, no thank YOU) or, if you have no time for that per me, dresses with side panels that create that fun optical illusion of an hourglass shape
  • Tapered pants will also build volume in the butt region, making your waist pop into focus.  Plus, you get to tap into the 80s revival trend.  NOICE. 

Based entirely on the internet's suggestion of what this body shape should wear, it turns out that I too am Straight Up.  The internet thinks we are bananas.  Okay. 

 This seems better than real work TBH

This seems better than real work TBH

I think we can all agree that kittens really take the sting out of constraining yourself to the "right" kind of clothes based on entirely arbitrary concept of what body type is attractive.  To remind you - as a species, we have changed our minds about the key topic of What is Babe Status many many times.  So clearly, none of this is a built-in human imperative that will ensure the continuation of our species.  Don't take it too seriously.  Personally, I'm just going to Be the Banana when I feel like it.

To find out where I got these kitten pics, just click on the pictures.  Note: sources are...varied.