So I decided I was going to wear knee length shorts and write an impassioned speech about why Bermuda shorts should make a comeback. To make sure that in addition to strong Feelings and Opinions, the post also included useful information and fun facts, I did some research on Bermuda shorts. Here’s two of the things that made me laugh.
1: Wikipedia says “Many businesses in the West today that have a business casual policy similarly allow this kind of clothing in the hotter seasons, especially in the United States, Australia, and New Zealand.” Where. Where is this happening in New Zealand, I must move there immediately because #babealert
2: This photo.
No further explanation needed.
But in all seriousness, I am a one woman movement focussed on the very serious and important question of why the hell there are so many shorts available now that show more bum cheek than 80% of my underpants do. When they called them shorts they meant “short compared to pants” not “short compared to that lacy pair of pants you bought when you read too many articles about the importance of proper lingerie”. Jaysus.
I think we have one person to blame for this, and that is Kate Moss. She wore denim cut offs and started a trend that should have never been a trend. Why we didn’t realise this was similar to the Bjork-swan dress situation, I’m not sure. That’s right. I consider denim cut offs to be as practical and wearable as the infamous swan dress (except without the creative energy or individualism). Now, I realise that Bermuda shorts have the same level of sex appeal as a piece of cardboard that escaped the recycling collection two days ago and has laid out in the rain, so I need Kate to roll out in a pair of knee-length shorts this year. I need her megawatt star power to overcome the mental image we all have of middle aged maths teachers wearing walk shorts throughout the entire year.
Or, you could trust me, the proud owner of these vintage denim shorts (80s forever). I wore these on the second day of Shoe School because I am a lunatic who doesn’t think things through. I made it out of that workshop with nary a stain on the white denim, a huge success, and I enjoyed a day of comfort and the ability to sit legs akimbo on my stool as I wrestled leather into position for cutting. I favour the higher waisted Bermuda short, and you’ll note this particular example are cuffed. I think they could have been one turn shorter for maximum flattering styling, but let’s be real, I’m wearing knee length shorts in a world full of Kate Moss wannabes. Who cares if you can, or cannot, see an additional inch of skin above my knee? I’m going to sit down on a bar stool and the wooden seat will not make its acquaintance with my backside, so that’s good enough for me.
The secret to making sure these shorts look a bit fresher, and less “suburban Mom at Disneyland” is to make sure you avoid anything boring. No standard tshirts – you will wear a crop top you ill-advisedly bought at Witchery some years ago. No subtle jewellery – you will wear a massive, primary-coloured Perspex necklace from Tatty Devine. You sure as hell will not wear sensible sandals or Keds – you may wear flat forms or some other kind of shoe that clearly signals that you have exactly zero children to chase. I will admit that I am quite excited to wear these shorts with my vintage men’s Hawaiian shirt for a continuation of the Dad style I rocked this weekend just been, but it would equally be a winner with one of the many camis that are available this summer, or a pair of basic slides and an off-shoulder top. Captain’s hat and a yacht = optional extras.