Christmas. A thing that happens every year, with the same level of certainty that is the certainty that there are people in your life who you have to buy gifts for even though they are a nightmare. Do you ever feel that mischievous feeling – the one that wants to buy a ridiculously on the nose present and to hell with the consequences? Welcome, to this blog post. This one’s for you. Let’s use fashion based gifts to send a message.
First up. That guy you know who thinks that he’s a true player? This is the perfect gift for him. Why simply tell women how much money you earn, when you can show them via this totally socially acceptable suit? He’ll be the toast of his Pick Up Agent training syndicate and, added bonus, if we all commit to this scheme, we’ll now be able to spot undesirables at 10,000 feet and buy our own “champagne”. In the interests of gender equality, I note that if you buy this small enough, it will probably also fit a woman.
Kids Love Poop Jokes (fact)
I can safely say that the best thing I have done in my adult life is teach my godson and his sister the “beans, beans, good for the heart” song. Aimee reports that every time they eat nachos, the kids yell “FART” and then fall about laughing hysterically. Again – my greatest accomplishment. If you’d like to join me in the hall of fame, now is the hour to buy a child a gift that references poop. Their parents might be mad, but really, whose love is the most important? That of an innocent child.
Babe - Shhhhhhhh
As a single lady, there are many couples I admire. If I could be the woman half of a European, Kiwi Obama situation then I would be all about that relationship game, immediately. However, we’ve all encountered that relationship that reminds us why singledom is a legit choice – they live together, but they barely speak. Is your friend in that couple? Are you wondering why she’s still dating a man she clearly can’t even muster the energy to hate? Help your friend out – buy her these socks, so she can communicate without speech and also get a glass of wine under her belt.
Burn a Bridge
Work takes up a huge chunk of our lives. Now, I have a boss who I am happy to work for, but I’m aware that’s not the case for all of us. Does it feel better to be fired in a hail of passive-aggressive glory, or does it feel better to resign with dignity? Give your horrible boss this pin for Christmas, and you can find out! Also useful for any and all people in your lives who, to put it boldly, have been getting on your tits.
The only thing standing between me and cat ownership is my very small apartment. It gets super hot during the day (great for laundry, to be fair) and I feel like it’s unfair to have a little animal in here. That’s the only reason why none of my friends are buying me this hoodie this Christmas. I can’t even really craft a sarky comment for this hoodie because if I owned a cat, I’d buy this for myself. Who doesn’t want to cuddle a tiny friend? Only a monster. In fact, maybe this hoodie is a test – just don’t buy them a kitten.
(Click on the pics for links to the actual items - as always, legitimacy of online stores is a strong 50/50 scenario.)