Glasses: the Blazer of the Face

Glasses: the Blazer of the Face

I got my first pair of glasses in 2006, when I picked up a friend’s glasses and tried them on for gags, then realised that maybe everyone else could see stuff on the other side of the room.  I had that first pair of glasses until 2012, when I lost a lens out of them and had to replace them on short notice (by then, glasses were a condition of my driving licence).  When I went to that appointment, the optometrist said I should be wearing my glasses all the time, because something something astigmatism, something something fatigue.

Suffice to say, I spent the minimum I could on those glasses, which meant they were neither stylish nor comfortable, so I wore them for (a) driving and (b) movies with captions.  That’s right: when required by law, or in the dark.  Sure, my right eye is really weak so all objects more than 2 metres away are fuzzy if I look just through that eye, but my left eye is only very slightly weak, so it balanced out and everything was fine.  If by fine we mean I was always nervous to greet people from a distance, and hadn’t properly appreciated a view in five years.

But hey, new year new me!  I wore my glasses a lot over Christmas and New Years as I drove around the country, and started to get used to…seeing.  I found when I took my glasses off, my eyes felt funny (as my right eye adjusted to not having a useful assist from a lens) and all in all, I felt it was time to pony up some of that lawyer money for the benefit of seeing stuff all the time.  Yes, this was purely a vanity choice.  I could have just worn my old glasses.  Although it turned out my prescription had changed slightly, it hadn’t changed so much that my old glasses were not a significant improvement.  Whevs, you guys, the important thing is I spent some money on something practical.  I hate doing that so I get a pat on my own back.  

So this time, the optometrist “strongly recommended” I wear my glasses all the time.  He suggested my stress headaches may, in fact, be “can’t see stuff properly” headaches and that wearing my glasses while I work on screens might prevent me from dragging my screen towards me every afternoon.  This meant I had to choose something that I liked, so I pulled the strongest move of my life, and just showed the assistant my sunglasses and said “what do you have that’s close to this”.  Hey presto, I tried on all the cat eye glasses in the shop (3 pairs) and walked away with these.

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Now, science would have us believe that glasses are a trade off.  If you wear glasses, say the scientists, you will be perceived as more intelligent (perfect, especially if I don’t have to do any work) but you will also be judged as less physically attractive.  To this latter point, I say GURL I LOOK CUTE!  And frankly, I give zero f*cks for the unsolicited opinions as to my attractiveness from strangers.  My friends and my Mum said I look good so clearly I look good. Mum, in particular, would never lie about this.  She knows I would not hesitate to put her in the bad retirement home if I looked back at photos and realised that I looked stupid and she’d never told me.  

This has opened up an exciting world of new looks for me, because now I can wear even more flamboyant/objectively stupid outfits to work, and the glasses plus a statement lip = smart lady.  Glasses are the blazer of the face – they make every look more work appropriate!  In the end, my vanity means I’ve missed out on six years of making no effort or, alternatively, dressing like a lunatic. Or, moreso like a lunatic.  You know what I mean.

Apart from the part where glasses make me look like I’m about to lead a robust discussion about the situation in the Middle East (nope), there are various other pros and cons:

  • Can now strike even more fear into the hearts of men, by doing that thing where you look over the top of your glasses – PRO THE BIGGEST OF ALL PROS. Science, again, says you are less threatening when you wear glasses, but clearly that scientist has not been on the receiving end of an “over glasses slow incredulous look”, or OGSIL.
  • Keep forgetting they are there and doing stuff like spraying my face with makeup setting spray while wearing them – CON
  • Can finally see things that are medium far away – PRO
  • Had to spend money on them that I could have spent on shoes or food or holidays – CON
  • Less money than expected though (like, less than half.  When did glasses get so much cheaper than I thought they would be?) – PRO
  • If I take them off I briefly feel drunk, but the bad “woozy and kinda headache-y” drunk, not the fun “no, seriously, I’m really really good at pool you guys seriously” kind of drunk – CON
  • I get good feedback from cool young women working in cool cafes, aka my target market - PRO
  • I now want to go back and buy more types of frames so that I can increase my style options – PRO/CON to be determined by how out of control this gets *shrug*

In short, if you’ve been needing glasses, now is the time to buy a Responsible Accessory and to increase your ability to wear a tracksuit to work on a Tuesday.  I got mine at Bailey Nelson (not an ad, I picked them because I walked past on my way to Unity Books one day) but modern and fab glasses are widely available nowadays, so go with your local.

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